The ocean is probably just as dirty as any river but oceans hide it better. If someone mentions the ocean, what words come to mind? “Beautiful,” “mysterious,” “calming.” But if someone mentions the river? Well.

We went to the river over the weekend and I saw all sorts of things in the water. And not just the cartoon cliche of a boot (although we saw that too).

Photograph of a black-and-gray hiking boot in a shallow creek or river.

Click to enlarge.

No, there was a toy in a shape I had never seen before, so I pulled it out to get a better look at it.

Photograph of a plastic stripper toy laying among some rocks underwater. The stripper’s head is turned at an impossible angle so that its long blonde hair falls down over its chest and its face can only be seen in profile, mouth open. It wears a white midriff-exposing shirt, blue hot pants, and white high heels. It squats over the heels with hands on its thighs.

Click to enlarge.

What was it?

Photo of a hand holding a plastic stripper toy approximately two or three inches tall. The toy has long blonde hair, blue eyes, red lips, large hoop earrings, and wears a white midriff-exposing top, blue hot pants, and white high heels.. It looks over its shoulder at the viewer, squatting on its heels with hands on its thighs. There are cracked holes on the toy’s forehead and under its left eye; there also appears to be a piece missing from its bottom, as the buttocks are flat and a beige color instead of the blue of the hot pants. There is a hole approximately where the toy’s anus would be, as if that is where the missing piece would attach.

Click to enlarge.

Then I saw a rock someone had written on with a sharpie. What interesting message did they have to share?

Photo of a hand holding a round river rock approximately five inches long and three inches tall. Someone wrote on the rock in permanent marker but the rock is broken, eliminating some of the text. The remainder reads, “[ … ] guy [ … ] my Grandpa [ … ]t my Ass [ … ]ove’s it smooth [ … ] his balls [ … ]ick them[.]”

Click to enlarge.

And then there were the dead things.

Photo of a dead crab or crawdad underwater. The creature is difficult to see because of the rippled surface of the water, but its body is light blue and its claws red.

Click to enlarge.

Not just the dead things that belong in the river, but also things that don’t.

Photo of an unknown creature’s leg bone lying a few inches underwater in a river. Some flesh, skin, and ligaments still cling to the bone, although it is mostly decomposed. At one end of the bone there are even protrusions that look like teeth.

Click to enlarge.